Another Silent Night

Before I moved to Sydney I thought my street was loud. Between Thursday and Sunday it consisted of many a drunk person and their domestic outbursts, not to mention vocal phone conversations and the teens next door having another house party whilst jumping on the trampoline at 3am.

But after living right in the city for the time I did and being back home I cant sleep because its too quiet. Strangely enough I never thought the sounds of people screaming, the tram speeding past every 15 minutes and Charlie Chans would ever be comforting....now I find I miss it.

So In the past few weeks Ive found myself awake all night because the silence somewhat frightens me and Ive set up shop on the lounge to fall asleep to the sound of bad TV but I cant sleep there forever. After living in a tiny room Im confronted with space and an oven which I have taken advantage of, but the nights are quite cold and while I dont feel alone the silence still makes me uneasy.

I guess Ill never quite find a happy medium with sleep which is a shame because I often feel like Ive never really had any in the first place. Im not a good morning person and I need a cup of tea before conversation can even me had, If I skip it my whole day is in a funk...Im a creature of pure habit and I like it that way.

And while tonight is another sleepless night while I listen to the credits of another B Grade film I know that in order for me to sleep...I need to reside in a place that never does. Because sometimes the more upside down and backwards something is the more sense it makes to me.

Confused? Welcome to my world.

Heartbeats

The moment your heart starts pounding is the moment you realise something is happening in your world that is completely unexpected and often quite irrational. Sometimes I wonder if its pounding so hard people around me will stop and stare, 'look at the girl with the african drums in her chest' whatever will happen the moment I start blushing...thats usually the time everything stands still, I hide my face away and I do try to appear invisible for the thought of anyone seeing inside of me makes me feel weak and annoyed. This sudden overwhelming feeling can happen at any second and is quite often followed by it thumping so hard it falls right out of my chest.

But its ok that I am not good at catching it because other people are, like the gentlemen who paid for my coffee in line at Gloria Jeans and told me to keep smiling, or the person who while passing by at the lights said 'your really pretty' or the really kind shop assistant you looked closely at me while I was paying with change and said 'Hey, dont worry, tomorrow is another day'.

Sometimes the complements from complete strangers do wonders for you and when you least expect it your heart starts pounding out of your chest again...

But this time your alot better at catching it when it falls out.

Home

Its a tea and toast night again. A somber evening, not even a scream outside in the city or cars endlessly honking other drivers and pedestrians; its calm and the slight stillness softens me.

3 months ago I came here feeling completely overwhelmed and knowing noone close by made me feel increasingly lonely. I sat by the window sil often looking down at China Town, wondering where all the busy people where going; If they were grocery shopping, late for a job interview or even out to find a hotdog at 12am on a school night. I was in love with the view, the sun setting and kissing my eye lids and occasionally reminding me of home which warmed my heart and blessed with me with a sence of security.

And even though I am happier here, more at peace and have a clearer mind I still feel lonely in this room sometimes. Because not much is my own except my suitcase and book belongings. Even a friend told me it feels like a hotel room, a sterile environment where you cant touch anything and there are no seperate rooms.

I miss my oven. I miss cooking a roast on a weekend and eating the leftovers the next day on bread. I miss making cups of tea in my own mugs. I miss having a washing machine, and not having to see the lady that rips me off every morning and lie when she asks when i am going to come back.

I do miss my home, a home where my computer is faster than my laptop, my books are all shelved on my bookcase and my pots and pans are stacked so badly they fall out when you open the door. Where friends drop by for afternoon tea and the sun makes everything looks pretty through your hair.

I cant wait to find a new home. :) Just as long as I never forget where my heart is.

Freedom Fighters

Anyone that knows me well, understands how I feel personally about the army. I look at my best mate and how he was treated and it makes me so angry - I am the first one to get mad and slag it off.

But while I am heavily against war, I cannot help but feeling emotional on Anzac Day and recognising and honouring why this day is important.

In my life I have experienced someone that has gone off to afganistan in the army and come back. That person will never be the same again. It makes me sad....that someone will see the world so different from now on, that they didnt sleep well incase something happens, that they know no different and at the time were always trying to find a way to put themself in a situation that harrowing again. I dont understand it.

While war is what I am against, fighting for the freedom of others is another thing. That I cant let slip between my fingers or dismiss as being barbarick. Its part of what I believe in. And within my beliefs so strong I honour those people close or that I once knew for the sacrifice they have put themself in because it was something they believed in.

In this world it will be generation after generation that we will honour on Anzac day, it wont just be our great grandparents, it will be our uncles, brothers, neices and friends.. Australia hasnt always been overally patrotic but one thing we can honesly say we do is take the time on this day to be respectfull to those that fought or died fighting to help a nation that needs it more than perhaps we do.

War is not the right way, I wonder how long it will take for people to realise its not the answer. That a human life is worth more than oil. I often wonder when mankind lost its way...

So even though I say to my best mate all the time how much I despise the army, I understand why he is today spending time with people he was in the army with, talking about their friends that went overseas, and what they might be doing now. Honour those even if you do not know them, because the fight for freedom is only measured by bravery and the definition of bravery is being terrified of something but doing it anyways, regardless of the risk.

And today while you are drinking and talking to the diggers, the will tell you they are not a hero, the ones that died are....honour that.

BECAUSE A REAL HERO DOESNT EVEN KNOW THEY ARE ONE.

The Magestic Beauty of Those that Inspire Me

- The most beautiful female photgrapher who does not even know that she often looks like an angel behind a lens. You made me look the way I feel in a photo, and seeing those photos made me realise that Im not so bad after all.

- The most inspiring graphic designer who does not even realise she is amazing! So humble, laughs at my dumb jokes, carrys my coffee and whom of which I have design envy. I hope to one day be as good as you.

- The woman with the most courage who travels around the world and experiences life the way I wish I could. Not only that, is super awesome, speaks tons of languages, does alot of things in the shower and is a brilliant photographer (especially of live alphabets!). You make me laugh.

- The girl who is so good at so many things, could be anything she wants because she is the smartest girl I know. A very tallented clothing designer, a loving mum, brilliant drawer, amazing singer and knows how to cheer me up when i am down. Habbanadah.

- My sister who kindly helps me with my homework and drinks endless cups of tea with me. Always makes me laugh with her songs about the current situation and has an arch enemy that I may even one day wirte a comic about (with her permission of course.)

- The guy that rocks out with me and who I know would always be there if I needed him. Best bass player I know, great big heart and knows just how to have a good time old school style. I would be lost without you mate, but Im gonna stop now before you call me gay.

- A painter whos art made me curious to want to know more. Your very modest but I could paint like you I would quit my day job and thats all i would do. A beautiful person who makes me laugh and I know i can be my stupid usual self around.

- One of the oldest friends I have who has been through everything with me. Knows the inside jokes, we speak our own language, laughs at the stupid things and who can sing (though noone knows because she is very sneaky about it). I am so proud she is on a new path with her life because she might finally see herself as the amazing girl I see.

- A dreadlocked queen. You are so inspiring the way you live your life. If you want something you go get it. I wish i was that brave and felt I had nothing to loose and went for it the way you do. I love catching up with you. You are a truly beautiful girl.

While I Was Waiting for You (My Tea Went Cold)

I live in a room where nothing is my own and I define myself by single serving packets of sugar and whatever I can fit in the tiny fridge. My toaster is on the floor, my belongings in my suitcase by the window and everyone that enters reminds me it feels like short stay accomodation.


I feel slightly uncomfortable in my skin right now as I get dressed with my back to the mirror. I look at my clothed reflection and wonder how many more T shirts I think I need before I have a satisfying collection.

My favourite day is Sunday in the beautiful afternoon sun. I kick myself for biting my tounge when I want to say something nice, and kick myself even harder whenI do and I have to keep my hands to myself.

The sun sets and doesnt stream through my window anymore.....the fog blankets the city and keeps me warm; a comfort I yern to experience, safety and a sence of security.

Down the Rabbit Hole (In china town)

Im really tired of eating chinese food, paying for laundry and my tea going cold while I day dream about things that matter but consume too much tea drinking time.

Everything is in a suitcase and the things that are not feel like they dont have a place.

I want an oven.

My stockings got a massive ladder in them this morning and I spilt my tea on my skirt before I had to leave.

I feel somewhat really stupid and embarrassed. My clothes rarely match, Im really unfit, exhausted, overworked, if I blush one more time my cheeks will explode.

If only I had normal TV I would crawl into bed and host the biggest pity party.

Just RSVP by the weekend.

The face with no Name

2 weeks ago on my way to college I stumbled across a lit candle in a small corner of the Queen Victoria Building. The corner was dark and cold and in the mornings was home to a homeless man with short grey hair who was very thin. Every morning I would walk past and know he would be lying there asleep next to a cup of takeaway coffee and a chocolate muffin that would often only have one bite taken out of it before it was discarded a short distance from where he lay. I wondered on occasion if he bought the muffin himself or if every morning someone would give it to him along with something to drink. He looks old, tired, done.

On this particular morning I didnt look for the homeless man and the only reason I stopped was because a candle was lit in the dark corner he normally resides.....a candle, a small bunch of flowers, rollies and a note that read 'If you knew this man please pay your respects' and then a short list of nicknames he was most known by. I stopped and looked for a few moments before moving on. I think I convinced myself that the homeless man was just gone and he would be back. It was really sad to think he passed away on the street in the very spot I see him every day and that someone had to find him that way.

For a solid week the shrine stayed and the homeless man didnt show.

On Thursday before Good Friday I walked by and took this photo of the lone candle someone had lit for him every day for the past few weeks. Someone bought him coffee and someone noticed he was gone.

In amongst a world of chaos, even the smallest of us are missed.

For the Experience of a Better Life

I have not slept for 2 weeks, the suitcases under my eyes are hording more and more baggage and I can only blame it on paranoia. Last weekend a man asked my sister which floor she was going to then he followed her up and continued to lurk near the lifts. When my brother in law went downstairs the same man got on and followed him up too. I called the police - I love how safe this place is sometimes.

A few days after my imagination fueled heard drilling coming from outside the hall. Its likely matience was fixing a lock but I still got up in the middle of the night and made sure the door was secure. If it wasnt for the random abandoned matress lying in the hall days earlier I think my mind might not have run away with itself so much.

Last night I heard blood curdling screams coming from the street below me in China Town. I dont usualy get up for this because its usually some drunk girl who has broken her heel but it was so intense I had to take a look. 5 security guards were around her and one was running up the street after a man while at least 10 people stood watching. I have no idea what happened.

A few hours later a well dressed man in a suit stood infont of a parked car and abused the shit out of it for 2 hours at the top of his lungs.

Windowsil hangs.

Cry me a River

- Snaps to the awesome hardcore references people post in their facebook status.

- Slaps to the 2 gentlemen in suits who sat sipping their latte's while watching me struggle with chairs to get to the front of the cafe only to stand up and pass me my coffee when it arrived. NOT COOL!

- Snaps to meeting random people in unusual places and making best friends with people in the lines for beer.

- Slaps to people who listen to Ipods on the way to work while looking down and not realising I am there untill they are sitting on my lap. NOT COOL!

- Snaps to T shirts of any kind, preferably V Necks or 'boy jumpers' which are super awesome to wear to bed.

- Slaps to seeing a dude wearing the Kate Moss T Shirt i recently bought and being disgusted that it actually looked better on him than me. NOT COOL!!

Nomads Land

This morning I had the misfortune of standing next to a woman who was taking loudly and incoherently to herself , a bag of rubbish in her hand. She looked to be in her 50's with short black hair and was very thin. When the lights changed and we crossed the road I made sure I slowed down to give her an opportunity to pass me but she cut me off, and for some reason didnt like it and hit me with her bag. Then she turned around,yelled at me and hit me with it again.

I have never seen her before and I don't know if I will see her again. At night they disappear, and in the day they roam. The mornings they sleep or wander around amorously, with take away coffee cups and chocolate chip muffins. 'Dreadlocks' feet are black, he sleeps on the steps of the church because its warm and never begs for money. I have seen him in the mornings drinking a cup of coffee at the cafe up the road like he was getting ready for a business meeting then spends his day laughing at things that are not there and walking up and down George Street.

Today I saw another young guy on the street with his face covered by his hoody. What I could see told me he was not homeless as much as he was a junkie - the sad thing is now I can pick the difference.

Eye Candy 101

I am a little worried about my teacher, if not for his very unusual teaching method of speaking in various accents, than for today's hot tip of 'Half your age and add 7, that's about right'

I am a bit at a loss for words.

You see I am caught in a conundrum because if i lie about my age than the 'right age' is under age...and if i admit my real age...than the 'right age' is still quite young and if someone my age could really pull someone the 'right age' than that's awesome but in the reality of the situation the 'right age' is really the 'wrong age' in society's view on cougar-ism which i think will eventually become an Olympic sport.

So in summery the following rules apply just like when you go into a display home; look but dont touch, if you break it than you bought it and remember to check where the cameras are before you do anything stupid.

Dream Big

I am going into my 4th week of study and i have already started thinking about what I should do when I finish. By the 2nd week of May I need to make up my mind if I will stay in Sydney and try and get work as a junior in a studio or head overseas and get an internship somewhere amazing for awhile. I am at a cross roads, not sure what I should do with my life and sometimes I wish someone would grab me, sit me down and tell me straight but I know its not that simple.

The reason I wanted to do this course in the first place was to become a better designer so I could make more intersting t shirts. Right now Hardknox is doing really well but I want to appeal to a wider audience and eventually some day it will be a semi successfull brand, or at least I will be designing for one. I know I am at least 10 years away from owning my own studio but if I work my ass off now and take it seriously I know I can achieve it. How I will fit overseas travels in...I guess I can make some allowances. :)

So the game plan is: Finish course, gain internship, help best mate out with his bodyboarding brand and move to JB. Not in that order but its deffently a go-er.

When your my Herion

A few weeks ago I was deeply moved by the realisation that there were so many homeless people in China Town. Every time I saw them I felt a pang of guilt, remorse even, that they were living their lives this way. It sadened me to a point that when I talked about it I felt an obligation to help. But alot of peoples attitudes were the same 'They choose to live that way so dont worry about it.' and that has been extreamly offputting.

Over time I have learnt to walk on by without thinking about where they will sleep tonight or if they will have enough to eat. Instead I glance over and think 'I wonder where they got that pen to write that sign' why my attitude has changed I dont know.

The young homeless guy that resides around the corner from my building has emerged again. He looks so tired and yesterday I know he spotted me from across the street sitting on the sidewalk, petting his dog. I dont think I would be able to live with myself If I didnt try and help him at some point but the question still remains; 'What if I did and he then relyed on it? What will happen to him if I left?' and a small part of me wonders if he will attack me.....why would I become a monster? Why would I loose compassion? Will I eventually be the one saying they choose that life?

Home this weekend. Normal cups of tea, vegetables and an oven. Loads of laundry and my CD collection. I feel like I have been away forever instead of a few weeks.

WNKRS and their Design Principles

I know its important to learn all the design principles because its one thing to be an excellent artist, photographer, illustrator or designer but if you refuse to learn anything about ballance, contrast or hierachy your artwork is going to look like a piece of shit; and that is where I have a million bad habits.

One of the things we are required to do every Tuesday is search for a design studio we love, find 3 images and get up in front of the class and explain why we love them. So far everyone has picked safe, symetrical boring things with all the right elements that make me want to slit my wrists in frustration. YUCK! Why is everyone playing it safe when all the things I love are so heavy? I dont want to be a graphic designer; I want to be the best artist/typographer/illustrator I can be without playing it safe too much. I would rather stand out because my work is more dynamic and if that means its not visual porn to some but sex on paper to others than I am content. Perhaps I am in need of a major attitude reconstruction about what I think is art and what is design? I guess time will tell the sort of designer I will be.

Anyways, because I cant share the art I love in class I thought I would do it here instead. These guys are great because they inspire me with their concepts. I hope one day I am at the same level they are and some nerdy kid with a blog is posting about me.

http://www.arronandrews.com/#/portfolio/book 1/

From our Ivory Towers

Every day I see something new as I take the same route to college. Last week there was a very aggressive Red Cross rally involving cardboard cut outs of children in school uniforms holding guns. A few days ago a homeless man called me a 'fucking cunt' right in my face which made me jump out of my skin and I now cross the road when I see him. Yesterday afternoon the homeless girl behind my building had cut off all her waist length hair. Her partner sleeps with a suitcase – they look like lost travellers.

In the evenings I play music to block out the whaling of sirens and the sound of the tram speeding past. City and Colour has kept me company this week as I drink a cup of tea and contemplate the use of the stove again after triggering the smoke alarm and sending the whole building in a sea of panic.

The sun goes down over a smog infused view and on cue the stranger across the street starts playing his violin.

The window sil is my friend.

To go forward you gotta go back 12 years

For those of you who moved out of home early, you may remember the shoe box units, absence of washing machines and various cooking utensils that were missing from your kitchen drawer because you have not quite realised the need for them yet. You know a spatchula is important but so far the use has been to chase your flat mate around in a threathening manner and wedge it in the microwave door that just wont close properly.

Well my apartment is indeed a shoebox which they have flowery refered to as 'Studio' when it is infact a gigantic bedroom with a lounge, desk and TV. Im not one to complain though; because in the grand tradition of 'bachelour/etting I am thrilled that the lounge folds out into a bed.

The kitchen is a hole in the wall with 2 stove tops that the engineer hadnt quite concidered a fry pan and saucepan might just want to be on at the same time. I now am quite skilled at cooking vegetables and meat one after the other while setting off the smoke alarm because the elements are out of whack.

And if that doesnt take you back, the bar fridge with NO freezer, endless supply of chocolate, tea bags and frozen meals will make you feel at ease that in order to go forward in life you have to remember what it was like to struggle a little bit. In all honesty I actually enjoying it.

Photos to come of random things in the city i love.

Deep Breath, Be Brave

I had my first overwhelming day at design school yesterday and I think everyone is feeling the pressure to do 'amazing' things. The room is full of strangers all trying to prove they deserve a place in the design world, all trying not to look scared or intimidated and freely chatting about their own skills and abilities. I feel a little out of place. I made the asumption the class would be full of a mixture of male and female art enthuiasts and at least one person would have an impressive sleeve of tattoos on display: I guess that person turned out to be me.

There are 3 guys in my class and a million girls, some sporting exotic accents and all of who talk about going home to their husbands/boyfriends/partners and what they will do for Valentines Day....I am not sure which part I feel more uncomfortable about the most; the fact they think its strange I am so bubbly or I am the only one who wore their hair in pigtails on the first day.

Take a deep breath, put on a smile and just do it. You do deserve it.

Synthetic Life Shots with Cocktail Chasers

I got my first freelance graphic design job this week and I could not be happier with the result. I worked really hard to make sure it looked good, effective and professional while fighting with my PC who couldn't handle the high resolution files and the realisation that it will never live up the standards of a Mac....I have to get a Mac....!!

But it also hit me as to what this year is going to be like for me. I have completly done a 180 in terms of my attitude to things that would normally keep me awake at night. Last year I was obsessed with this 'image' of how I thought I should be perceived but my insecurities came down to not having enough faith in myself and my goals and at the end of the day you can't force people to like you or notice you. So relax.

Out of my comfort zone I feel less adventurous and more likely to take it slow which is a nice change. I was wondering where that girl had gone, seems she was just hibernating at the bottom of a cocktail glass and overpriced dresses but now Im 90% chocolate and 10% Hannah Montana re-runs and i think I am Ok with that for a little while.

Only Happy when it Rains

Day 4

I love unexpected visits from friends far away. Yesterday I caught up with Dee, a friend of mine from school who graduated and then 'disapeared' for 10 years only to turn up on a very random road trip to Nimbin with dread locks and an amazing spirit. She decided to take a trip with two amazing friends and we caught up for lunch and coffee while she was in the area. Its funny, some people make you feel at ease when your around them and I know when i spend time with Dee she is never judging me or trying to convince me to do better or worse: she just accepts me for who i am and she goes with it. I love her - she is a unique individual and I wish I had her courage to live life.

I woke up at 3am, a heavy poor was happening outside so I went to my window to watch. I don't know why but the city always makes me feel lonely. Everyone is coming and going, never stopping and I am standing still right in the middle of it watching this world go by. Musing at my window over China Town reminded me of when I was younger, wanting to be in that exact situation; an apartment in the city, doing something cool for work and living that 'big city life' but that life is not real. Its not long term and sooner or later I know I will crave for the coast like I did before. I cant help having a romantic attachment to the area I grew up in. One day I hope to call it home again.

Young Homeless Guy appeared again today. He disapeared for awhile and i wondered if he was ok or perhaps just found somewhere else to sit with his dog. His appearance was terrible. Eyes sunken in and his expression looked defeated and as I went to get my coffee he looked over at me and I decided to follow the lead of the lady before me and give him the spare change but when I came back I was disapointed to find that he was gone. I hope he and his dog are ok.

Big City Life

Day 1

After a long drive and making a few wrong turns, I finally made it to the city in one piece. My domain for the next few months is across the street from China Town and Market City which is why I left the building with $10 to buy dinner and did not go anywhere near Dangerfield or the Converse store to be tempted by cool designs and unessesary accessories.

The last time I spent any lengthy amount of time in a city was three years ago in Adelaide and while it is a bit smaller and cleaner It still has the same token city trademarks. My first encounter was a young homeless guy & his dog sitting around the corner from my building. He had a cardboard sign that read 'I am homeless. Anything you can do to help would be appreciated' and he sat there reading a tiny bible someone must have handed him earlier. The dog looked healthy and in fact so did he, his long hair was kept and he had a black bag next to him which I asume was full of whatever possesions he had on his person.

Why was this young man on the streets? What happened in his life to made him believe he had no more options or is it all just a simple test of human kindness for research? Bryce Courtney spent a week on the streets of Melbourne masquerading as a homeless man sleeping under the statue of Matthew Flinders producing of the Australia's best seeling novels 'Matthew Flinders Cat'.

I wonder where he will sleep tonight.....I wonder if I will see him tomorrow?